"When you are a mother yourself, then you'll know how much I love you."

This is another phrase that I heard my mother say often as a teenager. At the time, I'm sure I had no clue what she was talking about. It's funny, but the day that I gave birth to Dallin, my first-born, I thought about that phrase and immediately knew. Here I was, holding this tiny, perfect body in my arms, a body that I had felt squirming and bumping inside me, and I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I had never felt before. I have always been surrounded by people that love me, but in that instant I began to understand love in an entirely different way. This love was boundless, never-ending, and almost hurt. It crossed my mind that day, 'How could my mother love me like this?' And the love I had for my own mother amplified.

I can't believe how often now I think back to how my mother did things. To me, she had the perfect balance of being firm with us and having patience, something that I find a daily struggle. So here are a few things that I really appreciate about my mom and the way that she parented me.

1. She always encouraged my reading, even if I was ducking out of helping with the dishes after dinner. She took me to the library as a child. She bought me book after book during my silly obsession with preteen paperback series. She didn't even get mad at me when I got into trouble at school for having a questionable Judy Blume book that had some pretty steamy scenes. She was excited for me in college when I brought home my new books for my upcoming classes. She also gave me courage when I first talked to her about pursuing a master's degree, but didn't know if I was smart enought to get into the program. I am so grateful to her for this gift that I truly feel she gave me.

2. My mother always had my back. I always knew that she loved me, that she thought I was special, that I was capable to do anything I wanted even when my own insecurities battled in my mind. When did she do this? When did she have time? I remember her tucking me in many nights and laying down next to me for a few minutes to have a talk. She would tell me wonderful stories about myself that almost sounded true. She helped me see that I was good, kind, worthy. That she had the thought to do that, to take the time to come in and talk with me, even on the days when I wasn't talking back much, and teach me about who I was deep down... I can't believe it and I don't know how to thank her. Reflecting back on it now, that may be why I always had such a liking for my room. I loved the feeling of safety and love that I had there.

3. She taught me how to be a girl well. She taught me simple old-fashioned rules such as not to call boys, let them call you. She taught me that it was a bad idea to get exclusive with one boy because it only limited the friends that I could make. She'd say, "You have the rest of your life to be with one man that you choose. Why give that privilege to someone now that you're not even married to." Even though I'm sure I made a couple of boys angry, I did hate calling anyone my boyfriend. Deep down, I did think she was right. I didn't want to sign myself over to someone and hated the thought that someone would believe that I belonged to him. Anyway, I'm glad she taught me these things; it always gave me a sense of control. She also taught me how a girl can always look beautiful and feminine while still being modest. I know I tried to push the envelope a bit, but I'm grateful that she helped me dress the way I wanted and find my own style while still being classy.

4. She always encouraged me to pursue my own interests. Being the only girl in a family of boys would have been tricky if I'd had a different mother. What would I have turned out like if my mom had tried to make me do all of the same things my brothers wanted to do? I'm so glad she supported me and let me lead out with my own interests. I did enjoy skiing like my brothers, but hated the inadequacey I felt on the soccer field and the tennis court. I loved dance and at a point filled four days of my week in one studio or another. Again, reading was another hobby, and my mother was the one that showed me how I could earn some money to travel to Europe to actually see the place where Anne Frank hid. I never would have thought that possible at that age, but she always showed me that anything was possible if you're willing to make a plan and do the work.

5. "You don't have to love me, but you have to respect me." Another one of mom's classics. My mom was always good to teach us how you talk to those in your family. We were not allowed to talk back to our parents (I remember picking soap out of my teeth at school one morning) or to yell mean things to each other. Although just like any other family, we fought and had moments where we seriously could have injured one another, Mom did set a standard of respect in our home that we knew we couldn't cross (at least when she was around.) To this day, I love my brothers so much and have so much respect for them even though we are all very different from each other. We banter and tease each other like crazy, but there is a deep underlying feeling of respect and love for one another. We never hesitate to say the words 'I love you' on the phone and we just have a blast when we get together.

I could go on... I should go on...but my fingers are starting to hurt and the munchkins are soon to wake up. So, I just want to say, I love you mom. I think I now understand. I just hope that I can turn around and give to my children the same wonderful gifts that you have given me. I am so grateful. What if you hadn't done what you did? What if you had chosen to spend your time and energy elsewhere? I certainly don't know how it all would have turned out. We needed you so much, and even now as I'm suppossed to be an adult,
I need you still.