Not Enough

Today has started out on a sobering note. A phone call, not a long one, not as long as it should have been. Just a quick summary. There is a woman I have become acquainted with at my church. It's hard for me to put in words how I feel about her. We are not particularly close. I don't know why: different stage of life, different ages of kids, just haven't had the right set of circumstances to get to spend much time together.

Regardless, from the moment I met her, I felt this admiration for her. She has this something about her, in her face, in the way she talks, in how she lives her life. She emanates this sort of light, I kid you not. She is calming. She seems to be without judgment. Her face exudes kindness. And she has it together... I don't mean her house, appearance, talents. I mean she so has her priorities in the right place. I have watched seemingly insignificant things that she does and says and have thought, wow, she is so someone I want to be like.

And today this woman on the phone confesses her sadness over a son. As every mother does, she worries for her children. She says flat out that she doesn't know what she's done wrong, what mistake she's made with him. And even jokingly adds that the poor kid even got her DNA. I try to tell her that its not her. I inadequately try to tell her what I believe- that the Lord knows her. He knows her heart, her talents, her abilities, and who's to say there isn't a reason why this particular child was chosen to come to her home, because of who she is. Frustratingly, she says, well you're a good friend. She changes the subject as she always does when anything is being said about her. She's not a look-at-me, talk-about-my-life, kind of person. So respectfully, I let the conversation close and we hang up.

Then I cry. In my laundry room, I'm crying. Why? Because I don't have the words to tell her. Because I'm not a good friend. I didn't get my message across. But mostly I'm crying because this woman that I love doesn't see herself for who she really is. She doesn't see all of the things that the rest of us see. She doesn't think she's enough.

I wonder how many times our Father in Heaven feels this same way. How often his heart hurts when we are hard on ourselves, discouraged with who we are, don't think we are enough. How he must want to scream sometimes, don't you see! Won't you see what I see when I look at you?

As mothers, we do this. Everything our kids do from the sandbox to the classroom, we internalize, peronalize, think it is a reflection of us. The saying, 'You are only as happy as your saddest child' is true because we feel such responsibility. And it can make us discouraged. And this doesn't stop when our kids become adults, as I have learned from my family. As a mother you continue to worry and feel responsible for the lives of your children.

So what do we do with this? I haven't a clue. But I marvel at how much we learn from existing with our families. How we love, rejoice, and mourn about our children teaches us how our own Father must feel about us. Of course we must do our best. We must listen, stay in tune, and do our very best. And when that falls short, we can't carry that burden. That's just too much. I believe the atonement took care of these human mistakes too. The ones we don't mean to make, don't recognize, can't help. They can be healed too.

One thing's for sure, from being a mom I have learned that I can't do it alone. I can't. It's too big, too heavy a responsibility. I feel so small and inadequate when considering the task at hand. I fall short daily, I really do. When i say I need divine help, I mean it. I need the small whisperings to teach me how to teach my little ones- what to say, how to say it, and when the opportunity sneaks up and they are really listening. I need the reminders to tell them the most important things, that I fiercely love them, that their Father in Heaven knows them and also loves them, that because they have so much love, they can reach out and help, share and love others. I need help to reign in my impatience and fight for calm. I need the nudge to put away my own selfish pursuits to focus on them and the fleeting time that I have an influence. So, yes I realize that I'm not enough. But I can be with a little help. And that is the way it was meant to be. Hope.

Happy Mother's Day this week