That's the only word I can think of that tells how I feel this morning. Once in awhile I feel this way. I just don't want to do anything. It all seems to not matter much. The laundry, the clean dishes in my dishwasher, the unmade bed. It will all by there again tomorrow if I do it today. Mostly when I get this way, I just feel worse because of the guilt. I know I should be motivated, get things done, get ready and go out. It will make me feel better and I have so much to be grateful for. This is what I tell myself and I know that it's true. Yet, right now, I'd rather just sit here and rebel and just not do it. Being a mom is hard, everyone says it, but no one tells you how it's hard in such a different way than anything else that is hard. Its hard because so often you feel like you aren't doing anything important. Sometimes you feel like you're always doing what you ought to be doing and not what you want to do. When I have a moment of freedom, when I'm out with my husband or by myself for a couple of hours, I get this euphoric high. The freedom makes me feel like a teenager again, like I'm invincible and full of life. I need that every so often, and of course I feel badly that I do. Being home with my little people, sometimes I just need to be alone! I've always been like this. At my home growing up I just adored my room. I loved to go there and shut my door and just be by myself. I would stay up late just because I loved that time and I wasn't ready for it to end. Many times I went for hikes up the local canyons by myself with a book or a journal. I would get that euphoric feeling and come home totally filled up again. After high school I went to live in Seattle for a summer with my aunt and uncle. I remember they had to go out of town for a week. It sounds strange, but i just absolutely loved knowing that I was in a state where I didn't know anybody, I didn't know where anything was, and I was totally alone. It was up to me to orient myself and find adventure. I did just that and I felt invincible. Yesterday, a friend of mine told me a funny story about how her kids were fighting and looking for her and she hid in her closet. She said they called their Dad who then called her on her cell phone. When he asked her where she was, she said, "I'm in the closet." I laughed so hard because I know that feeling so well. I thought it was so great that she just found her closet, probably the only corner in her whole house she could be alone, and crawled right in. My family, I love them dearly, but once in awhile I just need to have some time by myself. Maybe that makes me a little strange, but I'm running on empty today and I need a fill-up.
