Howdy!

Those of you that aren't from Tucson might not know about Rodeo Days. For two days, the entire city of Tucson closes down for this holiday that I'd never heard of until we moved here. The kids are out of school, there is a huge parade that is the largest non-motorized parade in the country(don't get too excited, it basically means a lot of horses and stagecoaches), and of course, barrell-riding and rodeos. There are all the standard cowboy grub of hotdogs, baked beans, kettle korn, you name it. The kids especially love Wednesday, the day before the break, when they get to dress up as cowboys and cowgirls to school and do all sorts of rootin'-tootin' activities. Here are a couple of clips of Dallin's Rodeo program at the school. Dallin was surprisingly into it and very excited to sport a hat, bandana and fake mustache to school. Malynn was very excited to see Dallin on stage. She yelled at him over and over until the music started. Ethan also wore some cowboy garb to preschool Wednesday morning.

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sweet sorrow

I lost my grandmother this week.

Sweet, wonderful woman… I adore you, I admire you, I love you.

I could never tell you enough how I feel about you. I tried the last time I talked to you, the day that you passed. I whispered in the phone how much I loved you. How much I would miss you. I heard your feeble response. I knew you heard me, that you were trying to throw those loving words back to me, as you always did…

And I’ve never felt so far away from home. I wanted to reach through the phone and hold your hand, rub your feet, brush your hair.

You are the beginning of everything that I am today. I aspire to be the woman that you are. You gave me direction, you instilled hope in me, you had more confidence in me than I had in myself. I wanted to be the person you saw in me. I still do.

I am so happy for you. I know that you so wanted to be with your sweetheart… that you’ve missed your mother for decades… that you’ve been trapped in that painful body far too long. I am happy for you. But my chest hurts when I think that I can’t call you up anymore, tell you my funny story, hear you say you’re proud of me. I cried today in the car when I realized that I won’t walk through that door anymore to that wonderful little home of yours and see you sitting in that chair as if waiting to see who would walk through next to come see you. The twinkle in your eye, that broad smile, the radiance of love that was uniquely yours... to say I will miss you is a vast understatement. You are a part of me and without you here, I will always carry a sense of homesickness with me.

This will be the last of the whining and complaining. You never did that. And I know those thoughts are selfish. As my grandfather once said of you:

“I love her with all of my heart and soul. Upon the wind of her spirit have my wings been carried.”

Your spirit has carried all of us for a long time. It will not be easy to be separated from you. I miss you already. I love you. I look forward to the day that I will see your shining face again and feel your much stronger arms around me.

You've Gotta Love 'Im

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Vote

Get out and vote, y'all. Today's the day. It's easy. Do it.

A Date?

I think my son Dallin just got asked out on his first date. Mind you, he's six and still in kindergarten. It went something like this... I answered the phone and a young girl nervously asked, "Hi. Is Dallin there?" I think I heard a giggle and her voice blush (is that possible?) When I asked who she was, she told me, "Cambpell" or "Camel" or something like that. I know there isn't a girl in his class with that name, so I inquired and found out she was in a different kindergarten class. So I hand the phone over to Dallin and listen to his side of the conversation where plans are being made. I hear him say, "yes, I can come...today?... yeah, my mom will bring me... oh. okay." Then he turns to me and says, "Mom, do you know where Chili's is?" I guffaw. "The restaurant?" He turns to the phone and asks, "Is that a restaurant?" then "Yeah, it's a restaurant, mom." Duh. Then, with an extreme amount of coolness, he asks if his little brother can come. She apparently consents, and Dallin hands the phone over to Ethan to talk. After Ethan confirms his invitation, he hands the phone over to me. I'm still like, what the...? Then there is a lady's voice on the phone who is Soup's grandmother. She says she didn't know about the plans since she was in the other room.

Let me proceed by painting a different scenario that happened last week. Dallin asked if he could have a playdate one day after school. We called a couple of boys in his class and neither were home. So then he asks if we can call Clare, a girl in his class. Now, as far as I can tell, Dallin doesn't seem to care yet if a friend is a girl or a boy. He has friends of each sex that he is equally close to in our ward. So, I wasn't surprised he asked about Clare. I've met her and her mother at school, she sits on his table and doesn't treat him like he's obnoxious. She seems very nice. Since I had spoken with her mother at length one day, I thought it would probably be fine; her mother probably sensed that not only am I not a psychopath, but that I'm nice person, right? Apparently not. Clare's mother not only hesitated for an uncomfortable amount of time, but then asks me if she can call me back. Fine, fine. Checking things out, okay. Then she calls back and says that Clare would love to come, but that she would be coming too. Huh? Playdate with mother too? What am I supposed to say? No, you can't come because I was planning on finishing my laundry and am currently sitting in the middle of five loads of clean clothes needing to be folded. So rather than having a fun, relaxed afternoon with the kids, I get to sit and visit with Clare's mom. Odd. I'm new to the playdate thing. I don't really know how it works. So I'm throwing this question out there to all my cybermoms. Is this how it normally works? If so, was it because it was a boy/girl situation, or does this happen regardless?

I am not sure if I'm ready for this little boy to grow up. I'm not ready for his life to become more complicated, or my own for that matter.

my list

So it's another close to another day. And yet, I'm not ready to call it a night, to crawl in my sheets and force my eyes to close. I just never feel that I've had enough of today. A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine that has stayed on my mind. In short, we talked about how important it is to spend some time with our children when we are unhurried. I've noticed lately how task oriented I've become. I just don't want my children to remember me always trying to get something done, but never actually sitting with them on the couch, in their bed, on the floor. It really doesn't take much, to find those opportunities to let life slip for a moment, let the task go undone for another few minutes, and just be there... really be there. How else will they ever really see who I am? How else will they know that I hear them? How else will they understand that they matter to me above all else? When I look at my life in this way, I see how important these monotonous days really are. I know that they won't remember if there was always a pile of laundry in the basket. They will, however, keep the impression I leave of whether I was happy, whether I was proud of them, and whether they felt loved.

So in that light, at the close of another day, here's what I did today that really did matter.

1. I danced with my daughter. It was only for a minute as we crossed in the hall and there was no music, but it made her smile.

2. I praised Ethan for how helpful he was in lifting my groceries onto the belt at the grocery store. I told him that he was a true hero, because he helped someone. I could have imagined it, but I swear I saw his little chest puff up about an inch.

3. I told Dallin how much his little sister missed him while he was at school. When he asked me what she said, I told a little white lie and said that she always asks, 'where's Dallin, where is he?' I teared up a little when I watched him through the rear view mirror sigh and then throw his arms around her neck and squeeze her in her car seat.

And none of these things were on my list.

In a funk

That's the only word I can think of that tells how I feel this morning. Once in awhile I feel this way. I just don't want to do anything. It all seems to not matter much. The laundry, the clean dishes in my dishwasher, the unmade bed. It will all by there again tomorrow if I do it today. Mostly when I get this way, I just feel worse because of the guilt. I know I should be motivated, get things done, get ready and go out. It will make me feel better and I have so much to be grateful for. This is what I tell myself and I know that it's true. Yet, right now, I'd rather just sit here and rebel and just not do it. Being a mom is hard, everyone says it, but no one tells you how it's hard in such a different way than anything else that is hard. Its hard because so often you feel like you aren't doing anything important. Sometimes you feel like you're always doing what you ought to be doing and not what you want to do. When I have a moment of freedom, when I'm out with my husband or by myself for a couple of hours, I get this euphoric high. The freedom makes me feel like a teenager again, like I'm invincible and full of life. I need that every so often, and of course I feel badly that I do. Being home with my little people, sometimes I just need to be alone! I've always been like this. At my home growing up I just adored my room. I loved to go there and shut my door and just be by myself. I would stay up late just because I loved that time and I wasn't ready for it to end. Many times I went for hikes up the local canyons by myself with a book or a journal. I would get that euphoric feeling and come home totally filled up again. After high school I went to live in Seattle for a summer with my aunt and uncle. I remember they had to go out of town for a week. It sounds strange, but i just absolutely loved knowing that I was in a state where I didn't know anybody, I didn't know where anything was, and I was totally alone. It was up to me to orient myself and find adventure. I did just that and I felt invincible. Yesterday, a friend of mine told me a funny story about how her kids were fighting and looking for her and she hid in her closet. She said they called their Dad who then called her on her cell phone. When he asked her where she was, she said, "I'm in the closet." I laughed so hard because I know that feeling so well. I thought it was so great that she just found her closet, probably the only corner in her whole house she could be alone, and crawled right in. My family, I love them dearly, but once in awhile I just need to have some time by myself. Maybe that makes me a little strange, but I'm running on empty today and I need a fill-up.

funny little elves

So silly and slightly obnoxious, but we got a few laughs out of it at our children's expense.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1591797871

Of course we couldn't stop there... and I bet you won't either.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1592223869

Merry Christmas!

This is always my very favorite time of year. I still get that burning excitement every day like I did as a child during the month of December. I love to pile my kids in the car and drive slowly through the neighborhoods to see the beautiful lights people have put up. I love assembling the annual gingerbread house with my kids. I love making Christmas cookies, sitting by the tree and a fire with a good book, and singing carols at the top of my lungs in my car. I don't think I will ever grow out of it. As I see my children discover the Christmas spirit, the magic is just as real as ever. Dallin asked me yesterday if he would ever get to play in the snow again. I tell him about the Christmases when he did get to go outside in the snow, make snowmen and snowangels. He doesn't really remember it. There is good and bad to being in Tucson during the holidays. For one, the first time I took them around our neighborhood to look at lights, I was riding my bike with Malynn and Ethan in our trailer. I cracked up yesterday at Target when I saw people running from their cars into Target in the rain. Some people were wearing their rarely used scarves and hats and others splashed through the puddles in shorts and flip-flops (which are worn all year long here.) During Thanksgiving time, we would open the windows so the house would be cool enough to warrant a fire in the fireplace! Still, when the temperatures dip into the 40s, we love to pretend that we are living in a winter wonderland. People here go all out to decorate for Christmas, even going so far as to lighting up the cacti! It may not quite feel like home, but I love it all the same.

Sunday

A Little Catching Up

Just a few photos of my loves these last few weeks. Time is just flying by. We're a little worried about this new diet that Jamie's been trying out. It's called Belly for Life. Anyone heard of it?











Notice the little pink necklace that Ethan is wearing at Disneyland? Well, anyone that knows Ethan also knows his love for all things chocolate. He loves chocolate so much that he is pretty loyal to the candy and won't settle for anything else. So... when Dallin gave him this necklace on our trip, Ethan not only wouldn't eat it, but also wouldn't take it off... for three whole days! Finally, I had to force it off of him one morning because it was disintegrating. For the next two days of our trip, Ethan had a rosy tinge all around his neck. It was awful; he seriously looked like he'd been abused.





Dallin absolutely loved meeting the characters at Disneyland and having them sign his autograph book. Ethan wasn't so trusting. He would barely get close enough for a picture most of the time. Malynn loved all of them that didn't look human. She wanted to hug and kiss all the creatures, but as soon as she saw Wendy and Peter Pan, she couldn't get away fast enough. Go figure.







On a scale of 1 to 10, Dallin rated every ride a solid infinity.






Wonderful, wonderful trip.
I love these people I get to share life with.

Bubbly

I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time i see your bubbly face
i get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go.

-Colbie Caillat "Bubbly"

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To blog or not to blog... That is the question.

I know, I haven't posted for awhile. I'm trying to decide if I'm really a blog kind of person. I don't think I am. Here are a couple of my many reasons.

#1. I am innately a very private person. I don't like to talk about my personal life to just anyone. I've always been this way and that's why I've always had a fairly small group of friends. Who am I kidding? Besides my close girlfriends from childhood, I don't really claim any group. I only have a couple of individual friends that I've grown close to and feel comfortable with. Other than that, it's just my family...my dear close family that I need more and more the older I get. So, this privacy thing sort of limits what I want to write about, leaving this blog with a sort of impersonal small-talk feeling. Which leads me to...

#2. I hate small talk. It's exhausting and draining. Relationships never pan out for me unless they can cut through it pretty quick. I'm just not a weather/sports/whatcha up to these days kind of gal.

#3. I'm aware that I'm spending too much time these days sitting in front of screens... my computer, TV, Dallin's new Nintendo DS. I'm always complaining to myself that I don't have enough time for the things that I really want to be doing. When really, I think the problem is that I'm wasting so much time on media. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong, but I hate the power it has to just suck me in. I can't tell you how many mornings I saunter over to my computer just to check my email in my pjs with my cereal bowl in hand. The next thing I know, I'm trying to find things to occupy my children's time so I can continue to surf. Such a time suckage for me and I think it's time I start exercising a little more self-control.

Okay, so that's all I can think of right now. I just thought I needed to give a little explanation to why I seem to drop off the planet once in awhile. I'm not sure how long I will keep blogging. Just need a little break from all the noise in my life. Which leads to an interesting question. I would love to know how any of you cut out some of the noise in your lives. Doen't life need to be a little simpler? Any suggestions, please?

All it takes is a little music

Can you believe how fast she just changed moods? Woah. So what do you guys think? If we keep at it, you think Malynn could be a viable candidate for 'So You Think You Can Dance 2024?' Jamie filmed this after Dallin finished opening his birthday presents on Tuesday night, so don't mind the mess! Oh, and I have to warn you... plug your ears for the first few seconds... or don't and see what it's like living in my world.

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And here's the birthday boy. We had our small family party on Tuesday night and just finished up with another party for his friends tonight. He had a blast and I was so proud of how grown up he was behaving. It was a good day for a mom.

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Those were some pretty funky candles!

"When you are a mother yourself, then you'll know how much I love you."

This is another phrase that I heard my mother say often as a teenager. At the time, I'm sure I had no clue what she was talking about. It's funny, but the day that I gave birth to Dallin, my first-born, I thought about that phrase and immediately knew. Here I was, holding this tiny, perfect body in my arms, a body that I had felt squirming and bumping inside me, and I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I had never felt before. I have always been surrounded by people that love me, but in that instant I began to understand love in an entirely different way. This love was boundless, never-ending, and almost hurt. It crossed my mind that day, 'How could my mother love me like this?' And the love I had for my own mother amplified.

I can't believe how often now I think back to how my mother did things. To me, she had the perfect balance of being firm with us and having patience, something that I find a daily struggle. So here are a few things that I really appreciate about my mom and the way that she parented me.

1. She always encouraged my reading, even if I was ducking out of helping with the dishes after dinner. She took me to the library as a child. She bought me book after book during my silly obsession with preteen paperback series. She didn't even get mad at me when I got into trouble at school for having a questionable Judy Blume book that had some pretty steamy scenes. She was excited for me in college when I brought home my new books for my upcoming classes. She also gave me courage when I first talked to her about pursuing a master's degree, but didn't know if I was smart enought to get into the program. I am so grateful to her for this gift that I truly feel she gave me.

2. My mother always had my back. I always knew that she loved me, that she thought I was special, that I was capable to do anything I wanted even when my own insecurities battled in my mind. When did she do this? When did she have time? I remember her tucking me in many nights and laying down next to me for a few minutes to have a talk. She would tell me wonderful stories about myself that almost sounded true. She helped me see that I was good, kind, worthy. That she had the thought to do that, to take the time to come in and talk with me, even on the days when I wasn't talking back much, and teach me about who I was deep down... I can't believe it and I don't know how to thank her. Reflecting back on it now, that may be why I always had such a liking for my room. I loved the feeling of safety and love that I had there.

3. She taught me how to be a girl well. She taught me simple old-fashioned rules such as not to call boys, let them call you. She taught me that it was a bad idea to get exclusive with one boy because it only limited the friends that I could make. She'd say, "You have the rest of your life to be with one man that you choose. Why give that privilege to someone now that you're not even married to." Even though I'm sure I made a couple of boys angry, I did hate calling anyone my boyfriend. Deep down, I did think she was right. I didn't want to sign myself over to someone and hated the thought that someone would believe that I belonged to him. Anyway, I'm glad she taught me these things; it always gave me a sense of control. She also taught me how a girl can always look beautiful and feminine while still being modest. I know I tried to push the envelope a bit, but I'm grateful that she helped me dress the way I wanted and find my own style while still being classy.

4. She always encouraged me to pursue my own interests. Being the only girl in a family of boys would have been tricky if I'd had a different mother. What would I have turned out like if my mom had tried to make me do all of the same things my brothers wanted to do? I'm so glad she supported me and let me lead out with my own interests. I did enjoy skiing like my brothers, but hated the inadequacey I felt on the soccer field and the tennis court. I loved dance and at a point filled four days of my week in one studio or another. Again, reading was another hobby, and my mother was the one that showed me how I could earn some money to travel to Europe to actually see the place where Anne Frank hid. I never would have thought that possible at that age, but she always showed me that anything was possible if you're willing to make a plan and do the work.

5. "You don't have to love me, but you have to respect me." Another one of mom's classics. My mom was always good to teach us how you talk to those in your family. We were not allowed to talk back to our parents (I remember picking soap out of my teeth at school one morning) or to yell mean things to each other. Although just like any other family, we fought and had moments where we seriously could have injured one another, Mom did set a standard of respect in our home that we knew we couldn't cross (at least when she was around.) To this day, I love my brothers so much and have so much respect for them even though we are all very different from each other. We banter and tease each other like crazy, but there is a deep underlying feeling of respect and love for one another. We never hesitate to say the words 'I love you' on the phone and we just have a blast when we get together.

I could go on... I should go on...but my fingers are starting to hurt and the munchkins are soon to wake up. So, I just want to say, I love you mom. I think I now understand. I just hope that I can turn around and give to my children the same wonderful gifts that you have given me. I am so grateful. What if you hadn't done what you did? What if you had chosen to spend your time and energy elsewhere? I certainly don't know how it all would have turned out. We needed you so much, and even now as I'm suppossed to be an adult,
I need you still.