All it takes is a little music

Can you believe how fast she just changed moods? Woah. So what do you guys think? If we keep at it, you think Malynn could be a viable candidate for 'So You Think You Can Dance 2024?' Jamie filmed this after Dallin finished opening his birthday presents on Tuesday night, so don't mind the mess! Oh, and I have to warn you... plug your ears for the first few seconds... or don't and see what it's like living in my world.

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And here's the birthday boy. We had our small family party on Tuesday night and just finished up with another party for his friends tonight. He had a blast and I was so proud of how grown up he was behaving. It was a good day for a mom.

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Those were some pretty funky candles!

"When you are a mother yourself, then you'll know how much I love you."

This is another phrase that I heard my mother say often as a teenager. At the time, I'm sure I had no clue what she was talking about. It's funny, but the day that I gave birth to Dallin, my first-born, I thought about that phrase and immediately knew. Here I was, holding this tiny, perfect body in my arms, a body that I had felt squirming and bumping inside me, and I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I had never felt before. I have always been surrounded by people that love me, but in that instant I began to understand love in an entirely different way. This love was boundless, never-ending, and almost hurt. It crossed my mind that day, 'How could my mother love me like this?' And the love I had for my own mother amplified.

I can't believe how often now I think back to how my mother did things. To me, she had the perfect balance of being firm with us and having patience, something that I find a daily struggle. So here are a few things that I really appreciate about my mom and the way that she parented me.

1. She always encouraged my reading, even if I was ducking out of helping with the dishes after dinner. She took me to the library as a child. She bought me book after book during my silly obsession with preteen paperback series. She didn't even get mad at me when I got into trouble at school for having a questionable Judy Blume book that had some pretty steamy scenes. She was excited for me in college when I brought home my new books for my upcoming classes. She also gave me courage when I first talked to her about pursuing a master's degree, but didn't know if I was smart enought to get into the program. I am so grateful to her for this gift that I truly feel she gave me.

2. My mother always had my back. I always knew that she loved me, that she thought I was special, that I was capable to do anything I wanted even when my own insecurities battled in my mind. When did she do this? When did she have time? I remember her tucking me in many nights and laying down next to me for a few minutes to have a talk. She would tell me wonderful stories about myself that almost sounded true. She helped me see that I was good, kind, worthy. That she had the thought to do that, to take the time to come in and talk with me, even on the days when I wasn't talking back much, and teach me about who I was deep down... I can't believe it and I don't know how to thank her. Reflecting back on it now, that may be why I always had such a liking for my room. I loved the feeling of safety and love that I had there.

3. She taught me how to be a girl well. She taught me simple old-fashioned rules such as not to call boys, let them call you. She taught me that it was a bad idea to get exclusive with one boy because it only limited the friends that I could make. She'd say, "You have the rest of your life to be with one man that you choose. Why give that privilege to someone now that you're not even married to." Even though I'm sure I made a couple of boys angry, I did hate calling anyone my boyfriend. Deep down, I did think she was right. I didn't want to sign myself over to someone and hated the thought that someone would believe that I belonged to him. Anyway, I'm glad she taught me these things; it always gave me a sense of control. She also taught me how a girl can always look beautiful and feminine while still being modest. I know I tried to push the envelope a bit, but I'm grateful that she helped me dress the way I wanted and find my own style while still being classy.

4. She always encouraged me to pursue my own interests. Being the only girl in a family of boys would have been tricky if I'd had a different mother. What would I have turned out like if my mom had tried to make me do all of the same things my brothers wanted to do? I'm so glad she supported me and let me lead out with my own interests. I did enjoy skiing like my brothers, but hated the inadequacey I felt on the soccer field and the tennis court. I loved dance and at a point filled four days of my week in one studio or another. Again, reading was another hobby, and my mother was the one that showed me how I could earn some money to travel to Europe to actually see the place where Anne Frank hid. I never would have thought that possible at that age, but she always showed me that anything was possible if you're willing to make a plan and do the work.

5. "You don't have to love me, but you have to respect me." Another one of mom's classics. My mom was always good to teach us how you talk to those in your family. We were not allowed to talk back to our parents (I remember picking soap out of my teeth at school one morning) or to yell mean things to each other. Although just like any other family, we fought and had moments where we seriously could have injured one another, Mom did set a standard of respect in our home that we knew we couldn't cross (at least when she was around.) To this day, I love my brothers so much and have so much respect for them even though we are all very different from each other. We banter and tease each other like crazy, but there is a deep underlying feeling of respect and love for one another. We never hesitate to say the words 'I love you' on the phone and we just have a blast when we get together.

I could go on... I should go on...but my fingers are starting to hurt and the munchkins are soon to wake up. So, I just want to say, I love you mom. I think I now understand. I just hope that I can turn around and give to my children the same wonderful gifts that you have given me. I am so grateful. What if you hadn't done what you did? What if you had chosen to spend your time and energy elsewhere? I certainly don't know how it all would have turned out. We needed you so much, and even now as I'm suppossed to be an adult,
I need you still.

I'm not one of those moms

I'm not one of those moms that loves to explore the artistic abilities of her children. I don't embrace mess, even though I'm surrounded by it all day. The thought of play dough makes my heart palpitate. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the idea of my children participating in the arts. I love the projects they bring home from school. I just don't love it near my kitchen. I have enough trouble just getting last night's yams off of the high chair. When Malynn caught sight of Dallin working on a painting today, nothing could keep her off the table. Realizing that her will is stronger than mine, I took a deep breath and let her loose. The girl loved it. She had such a look of satisfaction on her face as she watched the paint swirl around on her leg. I guess I need to loosen up a bit. Please tell me that this non-toxic paint doesn't stain. Please.









I had a sad realization today that this is the only decent photo taken of me this year. I was trying to find a closer one of my face for a different project and couldn't find a single one! I guess I need to hand the camera over to someone else once in awhile. I need to stop ducking when Jamie has the camera. Don't I want my children to remember what I looked like?

A Love Note

The highlight of my entire day occurs the moment I hear the hum of the garage door opening. Not long after, in walks a man with a huge grin on his face-- and all chaos breaks in our house. "DADDDDYYYYYY!!!!" You'd think they hadn't seen him in years. Though he is tired, no doubt, after working a sometimes 12-hour day, he immediately drops the armful of mail and drops to his knees. I watch the loud tackle from the kitchen, my usual station at that time of day. The scowl on my face from trying to assemble some sort of fresh, healthy dinner with all the monkeys jumping about at my feet immediately changes. I can't help it. I wait patiently for the primates to finish wrestling and the hugs to dissipate, so that I can creep in and have my turn.

This man just lets the sun in. His day is full, indeed, before he's even walked through our door. His day of dealing with other doctors, teaching med students, listening to ailing patients, and talking with concerned family members, and the responsibility to be at the top of his game is a lot for him to carry. But somehow, he manages to shed that pressure for a moment when he walks through that door. Somehow, he knows just what we need-- his time, his smile, his approval, and more of his waning energy. And he gives us more.

Jamie, this is a love note to you.

My Daughter

Just a few photos I took of lovely Malynn a couple of days ago. (The boys were protesting having their pictures taken). I've been enjoying watching her develop her own personality. She tries so earnestly to communicate and I'm surprised every day by how much I do understand her. Her hair is starting to grow a little and it's curly in the back. She walks fast and is very busy. She also loves to eat, loves her binky and blankie, and loves her mom (yeay).

Before I had any children, I secretly wanted boys. Honestly, I was a little afraid of having a daughter. For one, I grew up with only boys, so feel very comfortable around them. It seems around the age of 13, girls go into this weird alternate universe where they hate their mothers. I know most come out of it after a few years, but the thought of having someone rolling their eyes at me, treating me like I was the absolute, most ridiculous person that ever walked the planet, and giving me responses like, "You just don't understand me," gives me anxiety. Boys, with all their volume and rowdiness, just seem simpler. There is something about having a daughter that I didn't expect. The way she holds her hands, the way she smiles at me, the way she sighs when she puts her head on my shoulder... her femininity makes my heart sing. There is something special between a mother and a daughter. I look at her and I just get her. My boys, as much as I love them and their energy, just bewilder me. So, I'm grateful to have her and hope that she will always want to be close to me. But I am going to start now with the brainwashing that she can't turn psycho on me. Suggestions, anyone?

Will you carry me?

A funny thing happened today. "Carry me," Ethan said again and then again. My little man Ethan who is the least likely of my three to give me any physical affection, wanted me to hold him. It wasn't because we were going somewhere, he was tired, or his feet hurt. He just wanted me to hold him for awhile. When I picked him up his three-year old body immediately took the position that he used to prefer when he was a baby- head on my shoulder, arms tucked in between his belly and my chest. It was great and I loved it immensely, but only for a moment. Then the guilt came (is this from being a mom, or is it just being me). I began wondering if Ethan wasn't getting enough attention being so closely smacked between a very demanding older brother and his baby sister. Was he not a baby long enough? Am I expecting him to behave like his brother too often? Do I not single him out enough and give him the one-on-one that he deserves. He has always been a fairly independent little soul, something that reminds me of myself. The fact escapes me sometimes that he is still very, very young. As a mom, I try to always remember to tell each of my children how much I love them every day, something that I don't think they can hear too often. "Have I told you yet today how much I love you?" I heard this countless times as a child from my own mother. I can't even think of the question without hearing her tone of voice saying it. As I grew older, I rolled my eyes and groaned, "Mom." But inside I believed her. And I always felt loved. I hope I can do as good of a job. That really is my main purpose... to teach them that they matter, that they are worth more than anything to me and to their Father in heaven, and that they are deeply, fiercely loved.
I love you, Ethan...

and whenever you need it...yes, I will carry you.

15 Things I Love About My Kids This Week

1. I've been told by fellow church members that Dallin is their favorite child to watch in the music numbers because you never know what he's going to do.

2. Ethan thanked me for his apple juice, and I thanked him for thanking me, telling him that it makes me happy in my heart to hear him say 'thank you'. He responded that it was because apple juice makes him 'happy in his tummy.'

3. When I sing, Malynn will join in with me with no words or melody, but a sweet pitch nonetheless. I love it.

4. The first thing Dallin asked me this morning while wiping the sleep from his eyes was,"Mom, when can we ever buy a flute?" Just one of the many random things that he comes up with.

5. Ethan asks several times a day to watch family videos and to see his family pictures on the computer. He seems to love seeing all of us together.

6. Malynn can wag a finger at her brothers and give them a mouthful of babble when they are going to do something I told them not to do.

7. Ethan will literally do anything for chocolate.

8. Dallin will literally do anything for money, yet won't ever spend it on anything.

9. Malynn will smile, wave and say hi to every stranger we pass in the grocery store.

10. Dallin loves to share anything he has (or anything Ethan has, despite his loud protest) with his beloved sister. "Because she wants it..." is the reason he gives.

11. Ethan will loudly say "Iwuvyou, mom," several times a day for no apparent reason.

12. Malynn loves to jig, and her jig is to die for cute.

13. This week Dallin has begun to create his new invention he calls his "Do Anything For Me 3000" which apparently will have a button called 'fix food' as well as buttons for flying and making him invisible. He's already drawn up the plans. (He woke up yesterday asking me if I had any metal.) Can't wait to see it.

14. Ethan will not give kisses freely, so I've had to conjure up different ways to 'kiss' him (e.i. butterfly kiss, Eskimo kiss, polar bear kiss and cheeky kiss. The last two are uniquely ours.) Although he will spontaneously lay his head on my lap any moment he feels particularly happy.

15. Malynn loves to growl and uses that sound with a smile to name any animal or insect.

All of these photos were taken this afternoon after we headed to our local zoo's water station to escape the 111 degree heat. We had the place all to ourselves. The water felt wonderful.

I'll Decide

Okay, so this is so funny to me. Ethan and Dallin were having a gay 'ol time riding in the tube until Dallin notices that Ethan isn't doing the 'thumbs up' gesture quite right. So, being the good older brother that he is, he tries to show Ethan the correct way. Ethan, being the Ethan that he is, totally ignores Dallin and continues with the pointer finger. It was serving it's purpose just fine by making the point that he wanted to go faster. Dallin gave up eventually. I had to laugh whan I noticed Ethan sitting by himself today working with his fingers, figuring out how to get that dang thumb up there. All on his own, he figured it out. Reminds me of his father, who's classic comeback for everything is "I'll decide."

Here are a few more pics of our trip to Bear Lake for your viewing pleasure.

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Miss Malynn

The older this child gets the more comments I receive about her looking like me. I'm not sure if I agree, although I have always seen something very familiar in her. As she has grown older there have been other traits- her love for music, her sway and head pop anytime she hears a beat, her twirling when she has a skirt on, and then I must mention her strong ability to protest any harassment from her brothers (something I am still quite adept at, I must say). Well, she surprised me for the first time. While we were at Bear Lake, Cody brought his dog over to hang out. I was shocked at Malynn's reaction. She was drawn to that dog like you couldn't believe. I couldn't help but remember the times at Liz's house in Salt Lake when we were little girls jumping on her tramp. Pepper, the Blundells' harmless dog, would jump up on the tramp and run around excitedly on the pads. I don't know what I thought, but all I could do was run crying into her house praying that Pepper wasn't on my heels. Which of course takes me back also to the memories of jumping off the school bus at Rackers' house and frantically running for my life with the Butlers' dog Brittany (who wasn't so harmless) barking, nipping at my heels and hair all the way up the hill to my home. I hated that dog. Now, here is my mini-me with not only courage, but an absolute adoration for animals- all animals, it seems (even bugs, or dust particles that fly through the sunlight that she thinks are bugs). It's not that I don't like animals, I just don't have that certain gene that makes someone whine awwwwww when one is around. It might be due to my father's highly sensitive allergies of all animals with hair, fur and feathers-- which is the reason we never had a pet (okay, Cory had many various reptiles over the years, but I never claimed them as my own.) Maybe there's something wrong with me (I think Amanda's used the word 'cold' in the past when referring to my relationship with her feline that loved to smell my feet.) All right, so here's my first lesson of many that my daughter is her own person completely separate of myself. I get it.